Monday, June 29, 2009

Motherly Instinct

A Mother's Strongest Force.

What if I told you I have a confession? What if I said I had a secret? What if I came clean and told you there was a little voice in my head telling me to fight harder? What if the little voice in my head kept saying "Ask the questions, push harder, something isn't quite right in the doctor's speel."

Would you call me crazy? Would you think I was in denial?

What if I told you I think it's motherly instinct and it's fighting mad?

Afterall, I've been to the other side of crazy. That was last week.

It's not denial. I've found the peace I need. I've accepted a baby going to heaven.

What I can't accept is what may happen here on earth. That's where my motherly instinct kicks in. Where my motherly instinct fights harder. Where my instinct tells me it's not the end, because the end isn't going to be bad as it seems.

This all came about because I have two days of doctor's appointments ahead of me.

The first appointment was over and done with as of this morning. This is where we find out because I'm perfectly healthy and measuring right on track I will probably carry this baby close to full term.

This was where we find out the genetic counselor and specialist doctors have no idea what other cells the Mosaic part of Trisomy 14 has attached itself to. Meaning? Doctors have no idea how severe this is going to be, but they've been preparing us for the worst case scenario.

The blood karoytyping should also be back tommorrow that was done on David and I. If our chromosomes come back clear, chances are great this was just an act of God calling for Baby Angels. If one of our chromosomes comes back abnormal, it means we have a 66% chance of never having perfectly healthy babies of our own.

So this is where my instinct kicks in. This is where I get fighting mad. This is where I drill doctors with question after question. This is where I ask doctors to stop worrying about their career breakthroughs and be real. This is where I ask doctors to stop playing God.

They did the best they could for us today. Tomorrow after an ultrasound we should have more answers.

So what exactly is my instinct telling me?

If either David or I is walking around with the same abnormal cell structure, what's not to say my baby won't be a walking, talking, beautiful, thriving child as well? After all, we've lived this long. It may explain some weirdness, but we're here and doing the best we can.

If doctors don't know what cells the Trisomy 14 has attached to, what's not to say that it's merely the cells that control physical aspects and anything that would inhibit life are unaffected. After all, baby has made it this far.

More importantly, why do I have a strong desire to paint the baby room and screw the crib together yet? Why did I buy a carseat before all this happened? Why on a shopping trip through Target did I feel compelled to buy the spoons and storybooks on the clearance rack? Is it because this baby is coming home with me? Sometimes I have a hard time believing God would torture me like that otherwise.

Why do my most inner thoughts tell me the end may not come until October, because it's a better outcome than I could've ever hoped for? The only outcome better than sending a Baby Angel to heaven.

How come everytime I start to think sad thoughts about the future of our Little Angel, I get a hard kick in the ribs? Is Baby telling me that she's okay in there? I like to think so.

Call me crazy. I understand.

For today though I much prefer to call it motherly instinct. And today it's still fighting country strong.


  1. Not Crazy, FAITHFUL! You are truly an inspiration to me! My mom was diagnosed w/cancer last Mon. and it has been hard for me. Your blog has reminded me to have faith. To never stop believing God has an ultimate plan. If you can go through this, I can surly deal with my mom's very slow moving cancer. Thank you for your faith. Thank you for answering God's call. You are amazing!

  2. Definitely not crazy. Faith, hope and love are the only things that can keep us going in this world. Hold on to that....

  3. Miracles do happen. You never know what Gods plan is until it starts to really unfold. Stay faithful and keep fighting. There is no reason you shouldn't until you see a result. Love,hugs, and lots of prayers

  4. I hope tomorrow brings clearer answers for you. I can't imagine "not knowing.."
    I can't imagine you having this instinct and it not being right in the slightest bit.
    Good luck & stay strong.

  5. I think that instinct, coupled with the peace that you blogged about a few posts down, makes for a powerful combination, and something that should absolutely be listened to! Desperation and instinct are two entirely different beings, and it sounds like you definitely have a grasp on which is which--so keep asking those questions!

    And I'm praying that tomorrow provides more answers...

  6. I kinda know what you mean about docs/genetic counselors trying to find their career breakthrough...I work with some genetic counselors and doctors (we don't test for trisomy 14 but we test for other genetic disorders) and it makes me sad when they get all excited to diagnose a baby with MCAD (look it up, it's devastating, but I guess at least it's treatable). I think you should keep questioning the doctors...maybe even get a second, third opinion. Whatever you can emotionally handle. Keep fighting and I hope that you have some answers tomorrow.

  7. Wow. I could have written the last two posts. Isn't it amazing that Drs will tell you the worst, let that sink in for a week or two and then tell you a spectrum of different possibilities? And it differs with every doctor or geneticist you talk to. That's just confirmation that only God is in control.
    Just keep praying and we will do the same.


  8. Just keep fighting. There's a reason you feel this way...

  9. I just read about your story and have to say that you're incredibly strong. Your faith is inspirational. Push those doctors to tell you as much as they can. Our nephew is a monosomy 18 baby, and his parents were given similar news before he was born - a wide range of possibilities including stillbirth. The doctors didn't have a lot of research to go on since many parents abort pregnancies when they learn of severe genetic disorders. My nephew recently celebrated his 3rd birthday - miracles do happen. And if it would help your doctors, tell them to look into the case of monosomy 18 being documented at Sanford Hospital in Sioux Falls.