Where we find strength.
I've always been a strong girl. I can throw hay, drive a tractor and milk a cow with the best of them. I can keep a class of rowdy high school boys in line, no problem. In college I gave a guy a black eye at the bar because he wouldn't leave my friend alone. I don't need a guy to move my couch when it's time to vacuum. I love an afternoon date with the weed whip. I never understood girls who tell me mowing the lawn is too hard. I let half the things that people say roll off my back. Life is too short to be crabby, after all.
Around here we call that Country Strong. Being the farmer's daughter and the farmer's wife I know all about Country Strong. Where I come from there's two options; Either do it or ____?
I've been too busy doing to figure out the ___ part. No one else is going to do it for me. If I don't do it we all suffer. So I might as well do.
Same thing applies with our baby situation. I have to keep doing because there is no ___ part. What else can I do? Life is still going to tick by one day at a time.
That's not to say that I'm perfectly okay and have accepted everything that comes my way. I've fully accepted that my baby has a home in heaven. It's a miraculous thing being the Mom of an Angel. I can't accept that God won't tell me when it's going to happen. I struggle with the situation in general and scream "It's not fair" about six times a day. I don't understand at all why God did this to us, what His intent is.
I function throughout the day. Anyone that barely knows me thinks I'm fine on the outside. Anyone that truly knows me sees me run crying out of the barn. My friends know that I'm not in the mood for a lot of chit chat these days. David knows that while I'm doing my best, the things that were once so important to me, seem trivial. David knows that I struggle waking up in the morning knowing I won't wake up and find October and the whole thing over with.
I still get out of bed. I still dry my tears. I still put my all into the things that matter. What choice do I have? Again do it or ___?
No one ever said being the Mom of an Angel was going to be easy. But I am Country Strong and I will do the best I can. There is an end in sight.
People describe us as "courageous, brave, strong, inspirational." I don't know about that. We're just too busy helping an Angel grow wings to figure out the ___ part.
PS. Baby Angel...save your Mom a place in heaven. She's a bit of a rebel. She needs all the pull she can get. ;)