Friday, June 26, 2009

Plea Bargaining for Peace.

God really does listen.

I've always been the argumentative type when it comes to things I'm passionate about. If I didn't think law school was out of my league I would've been there. I would've been one fiesty DA. Instead I settled for teaching HS school government and helping classes of wandering teenagers to find their passion. I was paid to play Devil's Advocate and it was an amazing experience.

Needless to say, I spent the last week plea bargaining with God. Wednesday I argued and argued with Him asking He at least reduce the charges to "finding peace." It's the least he could do for taking my Baby. His response was long in coming. I swore God was off in the Courthouse in the Sky fighting bigger battles.

Turns out, the lawyer in me caught His attention. He was listening. I woke up Thursday without a tear in my eye. I woke up Thursday not wishing it was October. I did the laundry, cleaned my house. I mowed the lawn and thought all that thinking time was going to get to me. I didn't run out of the barn crying. I made dinner that didn't come from a box. David's silly jokes made me laugh. I was happy for today.

As I laid down to go to sleep I thought. "Maybe it's just a fluke." Maybe I'm out of tears and time and tomorrow all hope will be lost again. Then it hit me. Baby Angels aren't given wings to make his parents miserable. Baby Angels are called home to watch over, protect and bring peace to parents. Baby Angels are the hope for the future. It's a theory bigger and stronger than me. But it brings me peace.

Call me crazy, but I'm also of the school that believes babies feel what mothers go through. Maybe Baby was tired of being sad and worried. Afterall, Baby has a wonderous life in heaven. I should celebrate that. I need to celebrate. Also I'm sure Baby wants to spend his last weeks with me happy. So that's what I'm going to do. Be happy for the time we have left. Not miss out on the life I currently have. It makes Baby happy. It brings me peace.

So I woke up this Friday morning. Again without a tear in my eye. The sunrise didn't make me want to pull every shade in the house. My coffee didn't taste like battery acid for the first time in a week. My favorite cow was back to being my favorite cow, not just a huge, slow pain in my side. The flowers in my garden no longer looked liked a sad reminder. I laughed with my mother in law just like always. For the first time I believed that Baby Angel is getting wings because God has a grander plan for us.

Today I'm going to celebrate finding peace. It's also the weekend of an annual family vacation. I'm excited to spend this time with family. I'm going to play in a waterpark. I'm going to be silly with other people's kids. I'm going to wear my cute clothes and love my baby belly for the time being. Baby Angel needs this. So does his parents.

Not to say I wouldn't love to file an appeal against God, but I'm not pushing my luck.

After all. I have found Peace. I have found Contentment. There's nothing more to ask for. Case closed.


  1. Just wanted to let you know that I found this:
    looks like it has links to some support groups, etc. Thought it would help. Have fun on your vacation and don't let your SIL get to you, she's not worth it, ok? Have a good one!

  2. you are so amazing! Congrats on finding your peace. It's amazing having the peace of God in your heart. I hope he continues to bless you with that.

  3. You are one amazingly strong person! You are such a wonderful writer also. You are right, Baby Angels will be there to watch over their parents. A dear friend of mine delivered twin boys on Monday at only 23 weeks and both boys have since passed. Your Baby Angel will defintely have lots of other Baby Angels to play with up in Heaven. I've been and will continue to pray for you and your family. You've been dealt a really round hand in life but are taking it with such grace and strenght. I admire you for that.

  4. I have been praying that you find exactly that... peace. I cannot imagine the pain you are experiencing while in this state of limbo, but I am glad you are finding a way to enjoy the moments that you have while your child is on this Earth. Your angel baby has a special bond with you and I totally subscribe to your belief that the baby feels your emotions.

    I'll keep praying... never hurts, right?!

    -Nestie BellaKelsey

  5. I'm so very glad that you have found peace. Have fun this weekend, and you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Nestie VDK2008

  6. Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child. There is always comfort in His loving arms. I am so thankful you have faith. I will continue to pray for you.

  7. You are an amazing person, and I pray for you and your family often!

  8. I thank God for you. I know that he is happy that you are sharing this with people that need to hear what you, your family and the Lord are going through together. We don't always need to know why and The Peace That Passes ALL Understanding will be enough. What a wittness you are.