Monday, June 22, 2009

Our Story.

This is our story.

The fine line between waiting on a baby to go to heaven and the reality of life that is sometimes hell. We love every minute of being with our little one, cry every minute of being with our little one. It's a hard thing to comprehend. Nonetheless, this is our story.

We found out we were expecting in February of 2009. All was really well. No morning sickness, no problems. David even commented that I was "good at being pregnant." We were busy guessing the sex, and arguing one way or the other about it. To this day we still don't know the sex and much prefer to keep it that way.
At our ultrasound on June 1st, the doctor found some problems with baby. Baby had an echogenic foci on his heart (Calcium deposit), and a clubbed foot. None of these issues are a big deal in and of themselves. I was also born with a clubbed foot, so we somewhat planned on that happening.

We were then sent to a perinatal specialist for a followup Level II Ultrasound. There the perinatal specialist told us that Baby had the previous conditions plus a lemon shaped head, and a cupped hand. As a result our chances of birth defects for our age were greatly increased. After the doctors rattling off every disease known to man and David and I shedding lots of tears, we decided to do the amnio.

The FISH (fast) results of the amnio came back clear as can be. We were both convinced that all was well. If it's internal organs and brain were functioning properly, everything else was completely minor.

Fast forward 2 weeks. The genetic counselor that we originally spoke to told us that the long term amnio came back saying that Baby had a major chromosomal defect. The 14th chromosome was growing into the 13 and there were 3 14 chromosomes instead of 2. The doctors told us that they don't really know what this means as there's only 21 cases of such things in the world. All but six of these babies have died. Babies that suffer from such a sad thing either a) are delivered stillborn preterm b) die shortly after birth or within a couple months. There have been no babies born with this issue that have lived without extreme medical intervention.

We had two options 1) Terminate the pregnancy 2) Wait for God to intervene. Even though it goes against everything we believe in, we seriously considered termination. Judge us if you want, I understand. We judged ourselves too. However, we felt trapped. When your two options are essentially "killing" your baby or a carrying a baby that won't make it, no choice is the right choice, best choice or wrong choice. We just felt that termination would give us some closure and a chance to move on. However after an ultrasound determined that medical termination wasn't an option due to baby being too big, we figured it was a sign that we were meant to carry this baby.

This is where we stand. We're hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. We know that God takes care of these babies. We've accepted the fact that God wants baby angels in heaven. We're okay with that. We just wish that God would call his angel home now, sooner than later rather than October. We need the closure, we need to heal.

It's a hard place to stand. But we have to stand strong. We have to get through this. We will get through this.

We thank our friends, family and well wishers daily for the support.


  1. You are so strong. I'm thinking about your and your family every day.

  2. I am a lurker on D&R and I have been following your story. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you and your DH are going through this. You both have been in my thoughts all weekend and my heart aches for you both no parent should ever have to be faced with such heartache. I also wanted to thank you for being so honest in your posts as I believe you are handling the situation with grace and dignity and I am sure your strength is helping someone else who may be going through something similar. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you the best in life.

  3. Dairy- your words are beautiful. You are so strong and poised, I'm amazed at your faith and strength. Your baby is so blessed to have you and your husband.
    Stories like yours remind me that God will never give us more than we can handle. He knows us better than we know ourselves and he will not give us a trial that is bigger than we are. You are amazing, He knows that. Your family and angel baby are in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. I read about your journey through the boards on The Nest and I wanted to share this website with you. I know it may seem strange or even morbid to some people, but those who've been through this experience would not have it any other way.
    I will continue to pray for your family!

  5. Wow. I found out about you from The Nest boards. A few girls have an avatar in their siggy's praying for you.
    After a few weeks-months I decided to ask and I was given a link here.
    I often get my mind clouded with my own life, my own problems that are so petty compared to what you and your family are going through and it's humbling to know I'm not so selfish that I can see somebody's problems are bigger than my own.

    I wish you all the best in the world, prayers for you and your family!