Choosing to end the battle doesn't mean admitting defeat, rather it's giving hope a whole new direction.
It's always amazing to me how life is a series of circles. Life hasn't been lived, the battle hasn't been fought, the victory won until the circle is completed. The circles in life are everywhere. Generations of people overcome the same struggles as the generation before. The moon is a series of shapes leading to one big full circle, before starting over. The wreaths making their way to my door each season signify a pattern of changing seasons. The clock ticks by from 12 to 12 365 days per year, never waivering.
David and I are currently working on closing the circle. Essentially we're back right where we started this journey four long months ago. If you ask either one of us if this is how we thought the circle would be closed, if this how we thought it would end, the answer is a resounding, "NO." If you ask if we're sure of this decision, you'll hear "Yes" ringing loud and clear.
In real life, without the philosophy, all of these analogies translate to, "We're back in our hometown hospital with our usual doctor."
This wasn't a decision we took lightly. We've been to countless doctors. Every file has been read, the research has been combed through all in a valiant effort for some miracle cure; for some answer that would allow us to wake up and have the whole situation be a distant memory.
All we found were eight doctors with eight opinions and no general consensus. More questions and less answers. There was the doctor that didn't read my file before sending us off with more scare tactics. There was the genetic specialist who saw the precious little baby on the ultrasound screen as insurance money. There was the doctor whose miracle cure was to prolong the inevitable. This was no longer an issue of "saving" Little Angel but one of life vs. quality of life.
David and I realized months ago that there is no miracle treatment for Little Angel. We had hit a breaking point where we just want to be in control and at peace with our tough decisions. This doesn't mean we've given up. We just wanted to return the whole situation to God, rather than doctors playing God. We still have our hope and faith, after all it is the greatest treatment.
Nice sentiment right? Makes sense in our heads. However, try finding a doctor that won't call you every shade of crazy for saying it out loud.
After touring Children's Hospital last week, we did find a kind-spirited doctor with a big heart to agree with us. This doctor told us he could perform every heroic measure there was, but the only "save" to this baby was to love her while we had her. The best best place to love Little Angel was back at home in the comfort of everything we know. After all, if this was going to be a miracle baby, it didn't matter what hospital. If this was going to be a baby born with Angel Wings, it didn't matter what hospital.
This wasn't how we meant to close the circle of our little family. However, this is what gives us the most peace and comfort. The lesser of two evils. The best of two bad choices. It's this sense of peace and leaving it to God, that will allow the circle to flow with love, long after it's been closed.
David and I have faced some tough questions from people trying to make sense of our decisions. It's okay to wonder and even judge us. We understand. We've judged ourselves more than anyone else ever could.
Last week we were posed the question, "If you won't let the doctors determine life vs. quality of life, who are we to make that call?"
Well, we're Little Angel's parents. That's who. As parents you just know what's right in your heart. It's amazing how in times of struggle, when faced with decisions you only read about on other people's blogs or see in the movies, that strengh gives you all the answers needed. The answers may not come right away, but they will come to you. They will be the right ones. It could be God. It could be Intuition. Very well a combination of both. Whichever, David and I have been guided through this battle with on outpouring of allies in faith, love, hope and support.
It's not defeat if you can see the hope in the circle.