It's funny how pregnancy and God can mess with your head at the same time.
Lately my night time routine goes something like this:
Crawl into bed, settle in, sleep blissfully until 2am.
Wake up wide awake having to pee for the fortieth time.
Pee.
Lay back down.
Realize pregnancy induced backache isn't going away. Toss and turn trying to get comfortable.
Baby decides to plan trek across the dessert. Is thirsty.
Get up. Get drink. Decide Kool-aid is better than the water you should've had.
Lay back down.
10 minutes later still wide awake. Baby is on a sugar rush after all that Kool-aid.
Wonder to God if baby kicks and insomnia are a sign of things to come or if God is just giving me every last minute I may ever have with Little Angel.
Put that thought out of head. Try not cry. Kleenex is too far away and I finally found the latest greatest contorted position in which to fall asleep.
Pray that God gets me through these last 30 days. Wonder how I managed to make it this far. Silently say a prayer for everyone that's helped us along the way.
That's a little too emotional. Kleenex still too far away.
Try to remember if I turned the dishwasher on or not. Husband needs clean spoons for breakfast.
Ponder baby names. Remember while everyday is good there will be GREAT ones ahead.
Wonder how husband sleeps with his hands across chest, staying in the same position all night, never moving. NOT EVEN ONCE.
Apparently God has an ironic sense of humor. Who knew?
Wishes husband could be pregnant. Consider kicking him in the leg just to simulate the Charlie Horse that's currently running through mine.
Think about what I could do make our baby better.
Can't dream up one rational theory.
Ponder waking up husband to analyze ways of the world.
Remembers waking up husband will lead to someone looking forelornely into his Golden Grahams all bleary-eyed because and confused because a) There are no clean spoons
b) he doesn't do middle of the nights very well.
Decide to let husband sleep. Crabby husbands aren't worth it, no matter the circumstance. They're not coherent at 3:30am anyways.
Look at clock.
4:15.
One more hour. Thinks maybe it's just a good idea to get up. Time to clean the closet no one ever sees. The one with long lost elementary school report cards and random items that have no home.
Task seems to exhausting. Fall asleep instead.
Hear alarm. 5:15. See the start of a beautiful morning outside of my windows.
Begin the day all over again. Give thanks for what is good ask for help with what isn't.
Wash spoon before husband realizes different and hit start on the dishwasher.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
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How can a post be so funny and so touching at the same time? Praying for you, girl.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So I did both. I'm still praying for you and that sweet baby!
ReplyDeleteStill thinking of you and your little angel. You have such a way with words. I hope you are writing to your little one, so one day this little angel will hear the words and love of his or her mother.
ReplyDeleteWhat an endearing, honest and open post. I'm almost 25 weeks and everything that you wrote are my sentiments EXACTLY!!
ReplyDeleteI just spent some time reading many of your earlier posts and it soon became apparent that you're seeking God for a miracle as you brave through a hard time. You seem to remain having a positive outlook and remain on loving your precious little baby with all your might. While pregnancy is such a special time in most women's life's, there are a host of concerns that can't help but to be thought about. I sincerely pray that God continues to give you peace as you seek Him for wisdom, comfort, and the continuance of love that you continue to extend to the miracle that He has placed within you.
ReplyDeletei dont know you but i have read your many touching, honest, open, hopeful, and heartbreaking posts. i am hoping with everything in me that everything turns out the best for you, hubby, and little angel. i now check in here every single day waiting for an update on something that really has nothing to do with my life. i hope that doesnt sound weird. i just imagine being in your shoes and i cant help but care for you and your family. i sincerely hope that everything turns out wonderfully, but, if it doesnt, i can only fall back on the hope that everything happens for a reason...
ReplyDeleteI keep checking for a new post and praying that you guys are doing okay since it is now October...I haven't prayed to God in awhile, but I pray for your family with all of my heart
ReplyDeleteI'm checking daily for updates! My thoughts are with you and your husband. I can't imagine how anxious you two are! Best wishes, Andrea
ReplyDeleteYou have been in my thoughts even though I have never met you. I pray that you continue to have the amazing strength you have demonstrated over the course of this blog in the days ahead. I am truly inspired by your faith.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the loss of the baby. You must be hurting so badly right now. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine being told that my baby was dead and that Istill had to deliver. You are stronger than any woman should ever have to be.
ReplyDeleteYou're post reminds me of a song by Natalie Grant called "Held" it has brought me comfort in a time I didn't think there was any. I hope it does the same for you.
ReplyDeleteHeld by Natalie Grant
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
Oh my........ I am not sure what to say. You have heard from so many and I to share their thoughts about you and your husband. Little Angel is just that AN ANGEL. You have gone through so much and you are bound to go through so much more in the days ahead. Really because you know the Lord I know that you will make it. You have been such a witness to so many. Your faith has brought you to and will lead you through this time. You have touched so many and for this the Lord is pleased. You have help more people than you will ever know. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteOh, sweet friend. (I do think of you that way.)
ReplyDeleteI'm so moved by the faithfulness you've shown throughout your journey. Your loyalty to the Lord and your resilience have inspired- and crushed- me. I know there is probably nothing that could comfort you through your loss. You love your Angel so purely; the loss is so great. But I believe that the Holy Spirit is interceding for you and your family with groans that no human ears can understand. And when the day comes that God calls you back home where you belong, there is no question that your Angel will be waiting there for you with open arms.
My whole heart is for you.
Maze_bright.
Words simply fail right now.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. May your deep faith continue to bring you strength, and may you find some comfort in knowing your Angel is safely in the arms of our loving God.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today and always. God Bless. Noone should have to go through what you went through. Your strength is an inspiration to us all. May your find comfort in your friends and family at this time.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you continue to have the amazing strength you have demonstrated over the course of this blog in the days ahead. Web hosting india
ReplyDeletevery beautiful article i like it very much all your blog so interesting and full of information about pregnancy and i want to share some thing new about your unborn baby you can see your baby with 3D Ultrasounds and 4D Ultrasounds
ReplyDelete. This technology providing three dimensional images. Now you can see imaging of babies moving, smiling and yawning before they are born.