Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Octobers in Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear.

When time is inching in on your sideview mirrors.

I know it's been awhile since I've posted any updates of great significance. Truth be told, I just don't have much to say these days.

I'm a basket of mixed emotions to be quite honest. I can't explain how I feel, so I'm not even going to attempt to do so. In the past months I've learned to just be honest. I've learned confirming feelings and denying nothing is the best path to survival. There's no sense in rationalizing what can't be rationalized.

On one hand I've made it this far, when doctors told me I wouldn't. Little Angel is still kicking around, happy as can be. I'm fine healthy and strong as ever. I count these blessings and give thanks every day. It's how I maintain my chance at hope.

I'm so excited to meet Baby and see what the future holds. On the other hand I never imagined I could be this scared of anything. I'm a brave a girl after all. Other than the opposums and rodents roaming the barnyard from time to time, not much sends chills down my spine. Except for my own baby.

Then there's the shock of having 58 (or less) days left. While I do the best to enjoy every last minute of this pregnancy while I'm still in control, all the same I just want the whole ordeal over with. I know I know...take my "Mom of the Year Award" away right there. After all, who essentially wishes a baby would just be "over with?" Who refers to their Miracle as an "ordeal." Lastly, Who feels scared of their own baby?

Well.....somedays I do. I won't deny it in the least.

Then the next minute I turn around and have big dreams Little Angel is going to be the greatest Miracle there ever was. I won't deny that in the least either.

As for the doctors, I'm learning to trust blindly. I've come to accept that every doctor has a different theory and a different plan. While some I agree with more than others, I just have to accept they're stating what they think is the best course of action for Little Angel. I can agree, disagree or agree to disagree, but ultimately it's mine and David's decision. It's our baby after all, and we know best in the long run.

The sense of control helps us survive countless doctors appointments, phone calls and pages of research information.

On the same note, everytime I have to speak to a doctor I could throw up. I hate visiting the hospital, I hate hearing about theories that may or may not be true. I hate hearing words like NICU, prenatal death, surgery, brain scan, echocardiogram. Then again, they are just words which will maybe lead us to the best possible outcome.

I'm sure the words on the page today seem like incessant rambling. They probably are. It's what happens when you're feelings are incessant rambling. I just do the best I can to realize my feelings, stay occupied and move forward one day at a time.

Or should I say one baby step at a time.

58 days will be gone before I know it, and with it will be feelings of hope and sorrow, pessimism and optimism, bravery and fear. It's simple faith and the reliance on the terms "we" and "us" that we will get through this.

We have to get through this, full speed ahead, until it's past us in the rearview mirror of Life.


  1. What a tough dichotomy....to be so excited, but so fearful at the same time. I would feel the exact same way. And it seems like you have a good grasp on things by acknowledging that it's impossible to have a plan until you know what you're dealing with...

  2. As always, you are both inspiring and real. You already win "mom of the year" in my book.