Tuesday, September 22, 2009

God's Middle of the Night Comedy Show.

It's funny how pregnancy and God can mess with your head at the same time.

Lately my night time routine goes something like this:

Crawl into bed, settle in, sleep blissfully until 2am.
Wake up wide awake having to pee for the fortieth time.
Lay back down.
Realize pregnancy induced backache isn't going away. Toss and turn trying to get comfortable.
Baby decides to plan trek across the dessert. Is thirsty.
Get up. Get drink. Decide Kool-aid is better than the water you should've had.
Lay back down.
10 minutes later still wide awake. Baby is on a sugar rush after all that Kool-aid.

Wonder to God if baby kicks and insomnia are a sign of things to come or if God is just giving me every last minute I may ever have with Little Angel.

Put that thought out of head. Try not cry. Kleenex is too far away and I finally found the latest greatest contorted position in which to fall asleep.

Pray that God gets me through these last 30 days. Wonder how I managed to make it this far. Silently say a prayer for everyone that's helped us along the way.

That's a little too emotional. Kleenex still too far away.

Try to remember if I turned the dishwasher on or not. Husband needs clean spoons for breakfast.

Ponder baby names. Remember while everyday is good there will be GREAT ones ahead.

Wonder how husband sleeps with his hands across chest, staying in the same position all night, never moving. NOT EVEN ONCE.

Apparently God has an ironic sense of humor. Who knew?

Wishes husband could be pregnant. Consider kicking him in the leg just to simulate the Charlie Horse that's currently running through mine.

Think about what I could do make our baby better.
Can't dream up one rational theory.

Ponder waking up husband to analyze ways of the world.
Remembers waking up husband will lead to someone looking forelornely into his Golden Grahams all bleary-eyed because and confused because a) There are no clean spoons
b) he doesn't do middle of the nights very well.

Decide to let husband sleep. Crabby husbands aren't worth it, no matter the circumstance. They're not coherent at 3:30am anyways.

Look at clock.

One more hour. Thinks maybe it's just a good idea to get up. Time to clean the closet no one ever sees. The one with long lost elementary school report cards and random items that have no home.

Task seems to exhausting. Fall asleep instead.

Hear alarm. 5:15. See the start of a beautiful morning outside of my windows.

Begin the day all over again. Give thanks for what is good ask for help with what isn't.

Wash spoon before husband realizes different and hit start on the dishwasher.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Things to be Happy About!

With 33 days left before the arrival of Little Angel, there's lots of things to complete and think about. Sometimes so much that I don't even know where to begin the explanations. However, there are always things to be happy and excited about no matter the circumstances; no matter the thoughts in my head.

1) Homemade applesauce. I'm getting good at this.

2) The Card Shower my sister planned for me. David and I know we've been loved and supported on this journey, but it's amazing to the see the kind words and well wishes in print.

3) Coffee. It will always be coffee. It makes everything better.

4) Baby calves. Cute, silly and just wanting to somebody to love them. They're my hope for the future.

5) A certain set of pint-sized family members that learned how to empty cupboards. Love the little clowns dearly and now my tupperware is organized. Maybe not by choice but that's irrelevant.

6) The love and support marriage brings. Even if it is in our own unique way.

7) Golden Girls reruns. Little House on the Prairie DVDs as well.

Please take the time today to think about the little things that make your life enjoyable. They're always there, in spite of or despite the situation.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Back at the Beginning

Choosing to end the battle doesn't mean admitting defeat, rather it's giving hope a whole new direction.

It's always amazing to me how life is a series of circles. Life hasn't been lived, the battle hasn't been fought, the victory won until the circle is completed. The circles in life are everywhere. Generations of people overcome the same struggles as the generation before. The moon is a series of shapes leading to one big full circle, before starting over. The wreaths making their way to my door each season signify a pattern of changing seasons. The clock ticks by from 12 to 12 365 days per year, never waivering.

David and I are currently working on closing the circle. Essentially we're back right where we started this journey four long months ago. If you ask either one of us if this is how we thought the circle would be closed, if this how we thought it would end, the answer is a resounding, "NO." If you ask if we're sure of this decision, you'll hear "Yes" ringing loud and clear.

In real life, without the philosophy, all of these analogies translate to, "We're back in our hometown hospital with our usual doctor."

This wasn't a decision we took lightly. We've been to countless doctors. Every file has been read, the research has been combed through all in a valiant effort for some miracle cure; for some answer that would allow us to wake up and have the whole situation be a distant memory.

All we found were eight doctors with eight opinions and no general consensus. More questions and less answers. There was the doctor that didn't read my file before sending us off with more scare tactics. There was the genetic specialist who saw the precious little baby on the ultrasound screen as insurance money. There was the doctor whose miracle cure was to prolong the inevitable. This was no longer an issue of "saving" Little Angel but one of life vs. quality of life.

David and I realized months ago that there is no miracle treatment for Little Angel. We had hit a breaking point where we just want to be in control and at peace with our tough decisions. This doesn't mean we've given up. We just wanted to return the whole situation to God, rather than doctors playing God. We still have our hope and faith, after all it is the greatest treatment.

Nice sentiment right? Makes sense in our heads. However, try finding a doctor that won't call you every shade of crazy for saying it out loud.

After touring Children's Hospital last week, we did find a kind-spirited doctor with a big heart to agree with us. This doctor told us he could perform every heroic measure there was, but the only "save" to this baby was to love her while we had her. The best best place to love Little Angel was back at home in the comfort of everything we know. After all, if this was going to be a miracle baby, it didn't matter what hospital. If this was going to be a baby born with Angel Wings, it didn't matter what hospital.

This wasn't how we meant to close the circle of our little family. However, this is what gives us the most peace and comfort. The lesser of two evils. The best of two bad choices. It's this sense of peace and leaving it to God, that will allow the circle to flow with love, long after it's been closed.

David and I have faced some tough questions from people trying to make sense of our decisions. It's okay to wonder and even judge us. We understand. We've judged ourselves more than anyone else ever could.

Last week we were posed the question, "If you won't let the doctors determine life vs. quality of life, who are we to make that call?"

Well, we're Little Angel's parents. That's who. As parents you just know what's right in your heart. It's amazing how in times of struggle, when faced with decisions you only read about on other people's blogs or see in the movies, that strengh gives you all the answers needed. The answers may not come right away, but they will come to you. They will be the right ones. It could be God. It could be Intuition. Very well a combination of both. Whichever, David and I have been guided through this battle with on outpouring of allies in faith, love, hope and support.

It's not defeat if you can see the hope in the circle.