These days are a recipe of mixed emotions. I can spend 2 hours as happy as can be. I can spend 3 hours as a normal functioning adult. Then there's the 10 minutes of every hour that unending worry kicks in. There's the 20 minutes of every night I pray like I never prayed before. Sometimes the stress of mixing that all together begins to bake with tears and a feeling of hopelessness.
However, there are things I hang onto that get this recipe out of the oven and on to the dinner table. These are things on which I rely.
1) A family who would do anything for me.
2) Girls' Weekends 2 weeks in a row.
3) Good dessert a sister-in-law sent over.
4) A husband with a never ending hope who truly believes things aren't as bad as they seem. A husband who tells me to fight for my instinct, because in the five years he's known me, I've made 3/4s of my decisions on instant instinct and it hasn't failed me yet.
5) Reba's "Strange." I swear when I'm a little bit sad, that song hits the radio. It is amazing no matter how tough life is, you still get out of bed, you stop crying and the sun comes out.
6) Trace Adkins "All I ask." Story of our life.
7) Hope, Hope and more Hope.
8) An ultrasound picture with smiling baby.
9) Getting kicked by Little Angel everytime I google things like "incorrect amnio results" "misdiagnosis" or when I talk about Little Angel like he's going to be fine. I'm taking that as a sign maybe, just maybe things are fine.
10) Every day I make it without an issue or a complication with Baby. At first it was just plain upsetting because I want the whole thing to be over and a baby in heaven. Then I realized everyday that passes is one more day for Baby to grow big, strong and relatively healthy.
11) An innate belief that God wouldn't let me bring a crib home and buy a clearance rack carseat if Little Angel wasn't meant to be here.
12) The results of mine and David's blood karyotyping. We're both chromosomally fine. We now have no explanation for our weirdness, but from a scientific standpoint, we're perfect as can be. This means we can someday have more healthy, beautiful children. Little Angel is truly a one time act of God. A one time act of God meant to be.
13) Prayer, Prayer and more Prayer.
110 days of survival left. 110 days until I see Little Angel. 110 days until Little Angel graces our life in ways we have yet to understand.